6 reasons your online messages aren't getting you dates


Making the leap from messaging to IRL dates can be a slow process. You have to make an effort to connect with someone, find common ground and, ultimately, be brave enough to ask someone out. Sometimes the process can feel a bit tricky and confusing, especially if someone you’ve been chatting with suddenly vanishes. Whilst we frown very hard upon ghosting and always want people to state clearly if they’re not interested in an actual date, it’s worth asking yourself if there is anything in your messages that is making that initial spark fizzle out. Here are six reasons your messages might not be getting you dates.

1. You sound negative

Sound negative, miserable or cynical is going to be a real turn off. Even if you hate your job or your flatmates or the political situation, now is not the time to air those grievances as you won’t make a good first impression. Of course we all have annoyances and disappointments in life that can be shared later on, but in the first instance it’s important to keep things upbeat.

2. Your messages are too long

If someone has to read what feels like an essay every time they hear from you, they’re soon going to get bored. Long paragraphs of text are overwhelming and leave people feeling unsure how to respond, meaning they probably won’t. Keep it short and snappy and remember that if you make a connection now you’ll have plenty of time to share your life story later.

3. Your messages are too short

At the other end of the spectrum are messages that are so short that there’s nothing for your potential date to respond to. Messages that simply say ‘Hey!’ or ‘What’s up?’ are WAY less engaging than those that offer people an easy way to respond. Referring to something in their profile and asking them a question does most of the hard work for them, so you’re much more likely to get a reply.

4. You use your messages to moan about your ex

This is a terminally bad move. Whilst it might be tempting to trash your ex, especially if you’re newly single, it will make you look a) not over them and b) bitter as all get out. Neither of these are attractive qualities or a good foundation for a new relationship, so don’t do it.

5. Your messages sound obviously copy-and-pasted

Generic messages are easy to spot and easier to ignore, so don’t be tempted to spam multiple people with same old lines. Making a genuine effort with each person and writing something unique to them will work much better, we promise you.

6. You aren’t easy to pin down for a time to meet up

We get that you’re busy, but if you want to meet someone you have to make yourself available for actually going on a date. Be clear about what fits with your schedule and when a plan is made stick to it. Appearing flaky or uninterested will make people stop messaging you very quickly.

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